I have a super power and I am sorry to tell you that you are too old to obtain it. Well, I mean, I guess you could try but it would be pretty disgusting. I am not sure your family would understand.
I have the immune system of 4 witches. If Trump were smart, he’d ditch the pomade/camel jizz (<— my best guess) he currently uses to paste his hair into place and he’d replace it with my strong immune system. My B cells, macrophages, T cells, etc > everything else. This isn’t shocking, but the way I got such a strong immune system is.
In fact, most of the kids in my entire family have a strong immune system. We rarely get sick. I have not thrown up since I was a child and even then it was rare.
I have never had the flu. You can have a stomach bug and sit on my lap and french kiss me for 4 days straight and I won’t catch it. I almost think I could eat street food in India, or lick a NYC subway pole, and live to tell you about it.
If I do get sick, it is always the same thing, a sinus infection. This is b/c of another super power I possess, sinus cavities the size of my vagina. I have never had a panoramic x-ray of my teeth done where the dentist isn’t astounded at the size of my sinus cavities. Last time I had one done, the dentist called the other dentists in the practice into my exam room to marvel at the size of my sinus cavities on the x-ray. They looked at the x-ray and back to my face 3 or 4 times. Trying to figure out how behind my face skin everything is so hollow. My sinus cavities would make an excellent drug mule. “Oh you want me to insert this heroin in my a**hole and carry it across the border? I’ve got a better idea…”
I am a medical miracle. Once bacteria settle in to my sinus area, they are like “WHOA, LOOK AT THIS F*CKI*G MANSION!! Did you see the size of the pool and the master bedroom (a.k.a my vagina)? WE ARE NEVER LEAVING.”
But I digress.
Growing up I had instant best friends. No, not my older twin sisters, The Tiger Twins, who had their own stupid language, (but did they have my sinus cavities? Ummm, I think not) and were inseparable. I am talking about my cousins. My mother and her sisters planned their children.
My mother and her 3 sisters got their witches calendar out, their protractors, rulers and sage, and determined their cycles every month. The 4 or them planned to get pregnant at the same time with all of their children. If one wanted a baby, they all had a baby. “What’s that Susan? You don’t FEEL like getting pregnant this month!?!? Oh, sure, well ok. I don’t want to kick you out of the sisterhood but we ALL HAVE CHOICES TO MAKE.”
For this reason, each generation of kids in my family has at least one cousin not only the same age, but born within a month or so of each other.
Let that sink in. They planned their children and somehow coerced (or maybe not) their husbands into it. Their witch powers are strong.
You know what else? They somehow managed to rope their brothers wife, their sister-in-law into the witch hood for a round or 2. That makes 5 witches total.
In my age group, there are 4 of us. My Mom and her 3 sisters really nailed my generation timing wise. I have 2 cousins born in November. While myself and another cousin are only 10 days apart in December. That is 4 of us born in about a months time. We were all babies at the same time. We grew up together. We family vacationed together. The first time I ever snuck out it was with my cousin, b/c not only did we all grow up together, we lived a few houses apart as well. I first heard the word “queef” from cousin as we giggled about what it was together — which, believe it or not, is not the strangest part of this story.
If your Mom is a witch, with incredible control over her fertility, who spends a lot of time with her sisters, what do you think happens when all those babies are crying and hungry at once? Do you think it matters WHOSE boob they nurse from? Not in my family.
Crying, hungry baby? Who has a boob available? It was an all day merry-go-round of babies and boobs and what I imagine, a lot of exhaustion.
I have a strong immune system b/c my Mom and Aunts all breastfed me. I was part of a boob merry-go-round growing up. (Is this a porn category, boob merry-go-round?) I was boob-fed the colostrum & antibodies of 4 different women. I am amazed at their sisterhood and support. I am healthy and more of a witch because of it. Come at me (preferably with your boobs.)
Nancy J GiffordMay 2, 2018 at 4:03 pm (5 years ago)
not only are you the best story teller Joanne – you have the best stories too. I just love he way your mom and her sisters procreated and nursed together! I’m quite sure you have super powers 🙂
JoannaTigerMay 5, 2018 at 1:49 pm (5 years ago)
Nancy, you are the worlds best cheerleader. Thank you!!!!!
Patricia Moran TigerMay 2, 2018 at 5:19 pm (5 years ago)
Actually, there were five witches. Our sister-in-law (married to our only brother) contributed two fine boys to our various baby batches. Also, getting our husbands to cooperate was simply another manifestation of our witchy powers…which we use only for good!
Joanna TigerMay 5, 2018 at 1:52 pm (5 years ago)
Momma if I have every a quarter of your super powers I am set for life!
winonamayoMay 3, 2018 at 6:19 am (5 years ago)
i LOVE this story! joanna, you are awesome in many ways, this all just adds another layer (or layers; you said a lot here)! and your witchy mothers know what’s up! see you around the interwebs
JoannaTigerMay 5, 2018 at 1:51 pm (5 years ago)
Winona!!! Hiii! Hiii!! and THANK YOU! <3
Alethia MausMay 13, 2018 at 11:42 pm (5 years ago)
You’re amazing Joanna! I crack up every time you share! I love love love your ability to tell a story!!!!