Flat Tires & Coin Purses

So, I am not mechanically inclined in the least. If a lightbulb burns out I won’t change it until every other light in my condo also isn’t working. You might say this is lazy but I am not lazy. How do I know this? Do lazy people write blogs? Chew their own food? Beat their own hearts??? Also,  I will move around my condo during the day to follow the path of the sun just to avoid changing a light bulb. How can that be lazy?  In fact, as I look around the condo right now, 2 of the 6 can ceiling lights aren’t working. Who cares? 4 of them are working and that is more than half! I am winning!

Another area where I am less than strong is car maintenance. Here is a fun fact. I have had my SUV since 2001 and I HAVE NEVER WASHED IT ONCE. Literally, I personally have never washed my car or gone to a car wash or anything. I will drive around with the salt and road chemicals from a snow storm ALL over my car until a good summertime thunderstorm washes it off. Currently my car looks as though the Giant climbed down the beanstalk and blew his nose all over it. Ask me if I care.  My car has snot rocket personality.

There was one time that I went grocery shopping and, unbeknownst to me, the raw chicken slid out of the bag and under my passenger car seat. I don’t drive often so it stayed there literally cooking slowly in the the August heat. When I finally got into my car a week later it was like walking into Old MacDonalds farm, except all the animals were dead.  E-i-e-i-o. I am pretty sure my nose fell off my face the minute I opened the door.  My eyes watered and I dry heaved with the windows rolled down all the way to my boyfriends house. “Please. Do something. My car smells like donkey sex.” Fortunate for me, I’ve always had boyfriends or people in my life that care about that sort of thing more than I do. They have always washed my car or taken it to be washed or whatever dark magic they perform to keep it looking clean.

Lately my back tire keeps losing air. I know the smart thing to do is take it somewhere and have it fixed or get a new tire or whatever other boring words there are for that sort of thing. However, instead I just stop at the gas station every so often and put some air in that sucka. I guess I’ve been doing it a lot b/c today the gas station employee came out from his little bulletproof box and said hello to me.

Him: You’ve been coming here a lot and putting air in that tire.

Me: What? Are my quarters no longer good here? *lip snarl* *tough face* *jingles 3 quarters in pocket*

Him: No. No. It’s just, you might want to have that looked at it could be *insert long string of boring mechanical words here*

Me: Oh, you think that is the problem?

Him: Yeah, could be.

Me: Well, huh, whaddaya know? I guess that explains why I’ve gained so much weight. *face lights up*

Him: Umm. No. No it doesn’t

Me: Getting grey hair?

Him: Nope

Me: restlessness?

Him: uh-uh

Me: lactose intolerance? Why I am not fashionable? The solitary chin whisker that KEEPS COMING BACK?

Him: No Lady, it doesn’t explain any of those things.

Me: Ok, well, thank you for the boring words. I’ll be sure to remember them and do something about the do-hickey bla bla bla. *Gets in car. Drives away*

Now, I am not saying I need a man in this situation. In fact, I did ask one of my guy friends about it and he was all “My car tells me on the dash when there is something wrong with the tire or if the pressure is bla bla bla boring boring boring.” So, really, that was of no help. My car is old and it doesn’t talk to me like in Knight Rider. SO SUE ME!

Eventually these things work themselves out, so I am not going to stress over it or feel bad about it. Instead I am going to concentrate on the things that I do really well. Like eat Chinese food pantless or watch Netflix videos, or provide a good set of listening ears when strangers want to talk to me and tell me crazy shit. Like this morning, after my visit to the gas station, the guy that saddled up next to me as I picked out apples at the grocery store. Very casually he strolled my way and told me I should carry all of my money as change in a ziplock bag so that if I need to fight off a murderous lech I’d have a weapon. Oh! I get it!! So that when men like you approach me at the grocery store I can just beat them with a bag of coins. Makes sense!  Which is what I literally replied to him, “makes sense” as I strolled off to pick out a head of garlic. He saw me later in a different aisle and gave me a wink. It might be love you guys. I am not sure yet.

So now I am home, heeding the crazy mans advice and gathering lose change from the couch cushions and other places. I am preparing my beat off bag. (Such a better name than coin purse!) Today I’ve killed two birds with one stone. I have all the change compiled in one place so that I can continue to put air in my tire and I can fight off potential attackers. You guys, I don’t mean to brag but I am pretty sure I am TOTALLY winning at life.

Your turn! I can’t be the only one that doesn’t care about burnt out light bulbs. I wanna know! (a.k.a. comfort me!) Tell me what you are really great at doing and maybe not the best at doing.