– The worst wingman

The other day I decided to peruse, looking at all the pictures of people that met my search requirements as I thought about joining. I took a peek at their profiles, not to get to know them better but to get an idea of the questions I would have to answer if I ever set up a profile. I thought “Uuuuccccckkhurheujdkjdnkjfckk, this looks like too much damn work. All these dumb fields to fill out?” Uggggh.  I sighed and closed the laptop.

I went back to it a few days later, looking at photos, reading profiles and still feeling as though I didn’t want to answer these questions about myself. I don’t think you really can talk about yourself in a way that accurately reflects who you are. If I write about meditating and being focused on the present moment, how Eckhart Tolle is someone I read frequently I sound like some New Age weirdo. If I write about improv it sounds uber nerdy. (I am a huge nerd but they can’t know that immediately!)  If I write about traveling I sound like everyone else. If I try to just write as me it comes out all weird. Here is the truth and the bush I am beating around, in my mind I literally wrote a paragraph about macaroni and cheese in my profile. It went something like this:

I own my own small business in Washington, DC and love love love love to travel. I also really love macaroni & cheese but I am American so I think that is in our DNA. Not macaroni and cheese in our DNA, that would be gross, but the love for it is totally genetically coded in us.

I mean, seriously Joanna?

Today I decided that my dating pool just isn’t large enough. I have to do something about it. I go back to with the intent of setting up a profile. As in, an official profile, not the fantastic one I had been writing off and on in my head for a few days. Although I didn’t know what exactly I would write I knew I needed to just get started. With trepidation I make it to the sign up screen. This is a HUGE step for me and I think long and hard about an appropriate username. What sounds like something fun but not like a party animal type of name, but also something serious and not too dumb?

  • Iluv2laf_DC
  • canItouchuthere?
  • howaboutthere?
  • justmeLOL
  • There are so many things I’d like to say but that would take me all day. I wonder where to start. I better just say what’s in my heart. The one thing I know is true is that we can be best of friends, me and you.

Apparently the one I finally came up with was a little too perfect b/c someone else already had it. *gives the bird*


However, being a helpful little buggar suggested that I might like to try this one:

Are you kidding me?

**Note, this is nothing like my super original, well thought out, come on and date me already, screen name. Also, are there really 4,282 other LumpyLays??

Needless to say, I still don’t have a profile up and is an asshole that never wants me to have sex again.

Forever yours,

LumpyLay (is that better than “I die a million times for your comments and your shares?”)

It's not me. It's the mattress.
It’s not me. It’s the mattress.



10 Comments on – The worst wingman

  1. winonamayo
    August 5, 2014 at 9:36 pm (10 years ago)

    LumpyLay? I don’t even know what that means! Lumpy… Lay…. But more concerning is that Match suggested this name well over 4,000 times and people are using it! No, I’m thinking is not the dating pool you want to dive into.

    • Joanna
      August 14, 2014 at 12:45 am (10 years ago)

      I completely agree, 4000+ people are using this name?!?!?! I wonder how it is working out for them?

  2. Marlon
    August 5, 2014 at 9:39 pm (10 years ago)

    I always suspected you were a lumpy lay!

    • Joanna
      August 14, 2014 at 12:45 am (10 years ago)

      Marlon!! *shakes fist*

  3. Nancy
    August 5, 2014 at 9:56 pm (10 years ago)

    Lumpy Lay – OMG how funny and where did they get that?
    I think you should provide a link to your blog – it’s such a reflection of you, what is important to you and how fun and funny you are. But they probably don’t let you do that. When I was your age I posted a singles ad in the Washingtonian (it was before and part of my ad was ‘….music interest is from Greatful Dead to Talking Heads….’ can’t remember anything else but that. It was fun reading through the responses (which came to me through snail mail belive it or not!)

    How about ‘tigerinyourtank’ (oh boy that is a reflection of my age too – and I bet you havve heard that before 🙂 )

    • Joanna
      August 14, 2014 at 12:47 am (10 years ago)

      I think a link to my blog would be tricky… they can’t know all of my oddness immediately, no? Let them fall in love with my charm (read: boobs) first I say! I’d love to hear about some of the dates from your singles ad!

  4. Rani
    August 6, 2014 at 12:52 am (10 years ago)

    So your macaroni profile is perfect for tinder. Seriously.

    • Joanna
      August 14, 2014 at 12:47 am (10 years ago)

      Tinder terrifies me. T E R R I F I E S me.

  5. Dinah
    August 6, 2014 at 7:02 am (10 years ago)


    Declaring your appreciation for Echart Tolle, your love of improv and your obsession for macaroni and cheese are part and parcel of why I find you so fucking spectacular.

    If I were a boy with a profile on Match, you would be my first pick. Hands down. And you know that I may be a crazy bitch, but I’m no loser. And I’m hot.

    With minimal lumps.

    • Joanna
      August 14, 2014 at 12:48 am (10 years ago)

      Dinah! I love you! I wish you were a boy on, I’d pick you too. You ARE hot and Smokin’ hot and smart and wicked funny. <3


I die for your thoughts. A thousand times.