The ex and I split up about 5 months ago. I think I might be ready to get back on the dating horse but, truth be told, I am not entirely sure. I am taking things super slow. What is my approach to meeting as many people as possible and just throwing myself back out there?
Speed Dating. A.k.a. Dating Gang-Bang.
That is slow and easy, right?
The event happened last night in the bar area at a restaurant. I had 5 minutes to talk with about 20 men back to back to back. I stayed stationary while one after the other they sat down next to me and initiated the exact same conversation the person before them did.
Him: So *looks at my name tag* Joanna, tell me what do you do? where do you live? do you have kids? what do you do in you spare time?
Rinse. Wash. Repeat. The bell rings and the next guy comes over.
Him 2: Joanna, Tell me what do you do, where do you live…?
It really is a dating gang bang. You just sit there and men come over one after the other. I was even spit on, like, a lot. (Not in the good way)
I tried to mix up the conversation and found myself taking the lead in most cases. “Tell me what you do when you aren’t working? Where is the best place you’ve traveled? Your favorite author? Do you have a favorite WWE wrestler from the 80’s? Do you live with your Mother?” As I looked around the room I felt for these guys. Man, they were working hard to make some sort of impression on the women. Also I noticed I was the only person smiling. Wasn’t anyone else having fun? Everyone looked like they were at a job interview to be the lead employee to manually inseminate elephants. I, on the other hand, was having a blast. A sweaty pits, dry mouth, nervous, but Weeeeee! I GET TO TALK TO ALL OF THESE PEOPLE!?!? fun time.
The guys were nice for the most part. There were only 2 I would categorize as creepers. One had breath so bad I seriously thought someone brought rotting food out from the kitchen. I looked around as if to say WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? and then was stunned to realize it was the mouth of the person opposite me. I literally (secretly) gagged from it, more than once. Taking sips of my water often just to bury my nose in the glass as a sort of nasal shield. One creeper sat in his chair at such an awkward angle he was almost on my lap and he was rocking/grinding on the chair the entire time. I think it was meant to be in a sexual way but it looked more like “I have to poop and have cramps and I am trying not to fart kind of way”. I don’t know. Body language is confusing. He looked at my boobs, very obviously, a lot. I am surprised he didn’t touch himself during our 5 minute chat. Actually, he may have. I was determined to look him DIRECTLY in the eyeballs the entire time and not acknowledge the weird grinding happening from the hips down.
I appreciated the guys who asked me to go out immediately following the event. One guy said to me “You’re so funny. There is a comic performing at Millennium stage tomorrow night, let’s go.” I declined. He had events lined up for the entire week and proceeded to invite me to each one. Man, that takes guts… and research. He clearly researched events happening in the city that week and was going to take one of us ladies to one of ’em so help him God.
At the start of the night you are given a piece of paper the has a grid on it where you write the person’s name and other generic info. There is also a small section, maybe enough room for one sentence, to write any notes about them from your chat. As the conversations wrapped up I asked some of the guys “what should I write in my notes section about you?” Maybe that is me putting them on the spot b/c most of them just stared at me blankly. Seriously, come on, you should be able to roll with that in some way, right? One guy said “Dangerous Latin. Wants to dance salsa…” I literally have that written down. I remember him the best from the night.
5 minutes with some guys is way too much time. You know as soon as you look at them or they open their rotting mouth that it isn’t going to happen. With other guys, 5 minutes isn’t enough time. Maybe another 5 minutes would be perfect but you don’t have that option. I can mark that I am interested in them online and if they have marked that they are interested in me we are notified that there is a match. Next steps, exchange contact information. I don’t think I want to even do that just yet. I’d simply like 2 or 3 minutes more of talking in a safe, structured environment where someone is going to ring a bell and save me if it goes all wrong.
From the speed dating website:
I am not sure I would do this again. I had fun but didn’t meet anyone that truly piqued my interest. That isn’t to say I don’t think I would ever meet someone this way. You have 5 minutes to make some sort of impression. It is fun & fast paced but also incredibly awkward and forced. You talk to people you would NEVER talk to ordinarily and that is just a waste of time and energy and seriously gave me hives. On the other hand, you talk to people you would never talk to ordinarily and that can be a beautiful thing.
Now, please don’t leave me hanging on my first blog post! Tell me in the comments: Would you give speed dating a try? Also, if asked to sum yourself up in one sentence, what do you think you would say?
Kate
March 3, 2014 at 6:06 pm (10 years ago)Hahahah!! I can’t EVEN imagine you having a problem meeting MEN!
Speed dating? Nah, not my style. But it sounds like you enjoyed yourself.
Whatever works for you. 🙂
Oh & congrats on the Blog!!
Joanna
March 3, 2014 at 6:23 pm (10 years ago)Oh Kate that is so lovely of you to say and thank you for the congrats!! Here’s too expanding your circles and meeting new people! 🙂
Kate
March 3, 2014 at 6:51 pm (10 years ago)Thanks Joanna. 🙂 The circle is ever expanding….
Rani
March 3, 2014 at 6:30 pm (10 years ago)I love math, science, my dog and three kiddos, knitting, sports and I’m kind. Are you kind and honest?
I love that you used the favorite wrestler question!
Christene
March 3, 2014 at 6:51 pm (10 years ago)Congrats on the blog… you are gonna be great!! And by the way, I have 2 favorite wrestlers….. Brutus the Barber Beefcake and of course Hulk Hogan. As for the chair grinding I immediately thought of “the judge.” 😉
Joanna
March 3, 2014 at 6:56 pm (10 years ago)Christine, I think you should know my first love in life was Brutus the Barber Beefcake. Somehow I knew we were kindred spirits. <3
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:16 am (10 years ago)Rani I think you described yourself beautifully. I would also add that you are nurturing, mindful and beautiful.
Camille Tiger Thurston
March 3, 2014 at 6:44 pm (10 years ago)As long as there is a general rule that you cannot “speed date” after munching on a terd…I think it would be fun and exhausting. The bad breath and spitting…not so much. But maybe the facebook stalked you first, saw all the Llama paraphernalia and thought you were down with that. Camels…Llama, same thing, right? Me in one sentence, ” Authentic, joyful and all heart…”
jill
March 3, 2014 at 6:46 pm (10 years ago)I think I wouldve tried speed dating if on the market, but I feel like I’ve already tried it out via your blog post. So, I’m kind of over it now 🙂 great post! I want more!!
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:18 am (10 years ago)Jill! You would love speed dating!! I mean, just speed dating, nothing else, just going, hanging out and talking to everyone.
Jim Murphy
March 3, 2014 at 6:47 pm (10 years ago)Hey! I’ve inseminated elephants manually. Don’t knock it until, well, I better not say that, you just might . . . I can just imagine you at this event. HILL LARIOUS.
Jen
March 3, 2014 at 6:50 pm (10 years ago)Great first post Joanna! I love the wrestler question too! And I think you definitely got a taste of some of what is out there. Though many were creepy and/or wants to just get a quick lay
Marlon
March 3, 2014 at 7:18 pm (10 years ago)Good Post. I have been to speed dating once before and enjoyed it. Nothing came out of it but oh well, my only comment is something nobody ever talks about…is it wrong to go to speed dating if you know ahead of time that no matter who you meet, it will never go anywhere? I mean I have heard of women going in groups just to have fun with no intentions on meeting a guy. Isn’t that being insensitive to someone who sincerely want to find someone? Don’t want to get all heavy about this but just my thoughts.
Jim Murphy
March 3, 2014 at 7:37 pm (10 years ago)Yeah, I can relate Amanda, I hate it when a woman I’m speed dating with starts staring at my chest. I find it’s almost always when I’m wearing my 100% virgin polyester wide lapel shirt from 1979 with the top five buttons undone and my gold rope necklace. Either that or when I braid my chest hair. One or the other. But, still, it’s really annoying when they just stare, you know?
Jim Murphy
March 3, 2014 at 7:39 pm (10 years ago)Ahh, that should have posted one down. Sorry, Marlon!
Joanna
March 4, 2014 at 2:19 am (10 years ago)Marlon, I was there to have fun and just sort of see what happens. I went with an open mind. I did get the feeling that most of the people there were very seriously looking for something much much more. I guess I didn’t think about the fact that I was just sort of taking up space if my plan wasn’t to go there and leave with a husband of some sort. I am not sure why ANYONE would go just for the sole purpose of having fun. Just go out with your girlfriends and meet people the old-old-old fashioned way if that is all you are looking for.
Amanda
March 3, 2014 at 7:21 pm (10 years ago)I would most definitely do speed dating! I think it would be a blast! Until some creeper started grinding in his chair while staring at my chest….
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:20 am (10 years ago)Yeah, you’d just have to make direct eye contact until the bell rings. Or just start mirroring him. That could be fun!
The Only Jim that Matters
March 3, 2014 at 8:17 pm (10 years ago)On the seventh day after hell freezes over, I’ll consider thinking about speed dating.
Kathryn
March 3, 2014 at 8:44 pm (10 years ago)I think dating as an adult ranks right up there with the middle school years as the most awkward of life experiences. Speed dating seems like a super high pressure situation so it makes sense that people appeared to be in ‘interview’ mode. Like interviews, looks like the guys are asking the wrong questions and/or literally giving you a marketing pitch. Kudos to you for having fun and asking questions that could yield meaningful information rather than stock ‘interview’ answers. If you go speed dating again, ask the guys if they would be an Autobot or Decepticon. The answer will reveal a lot 🙂
Joanna
March 4, 2014 at 2:23 am (10 years ago)Good points Kathryn. It is very high pressure so it sort of sets things up to feel like an interview. There is a fine line to walk of asking appropriate questions for an initial meeting, only having 5 minutes to chat and trying to be interesting and different without coming across totally strange. I am just not sure that it is even possible really.
Ayesha Murray
March 3, 2014 at 8:51 pm (10 years ago)Such a good post! I always LoL at your anecdotes. Can’t wait for future blogs. Soo sad about the spitting.
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:20 am (10 years ago)Thank you Ayesha!
Rita
March 3, 2014 at 9:51 pm (10 years ago)You are too funny!!! I have always and still do LOVE everything that you have to say Joanna. You make my day often!!! And yes, I would totally speed date if I weren’t married. Let me know if there is a “couples” speed dating LOL. Seriously hahaha…
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:22 am (10 years ago)(((Rita))) Thank you!!! You woud LOVE speed dating Rita. Seriously, if you were single I’d totally drag you to one of these!
Dan
March 3, 2014 at 9:53 pm (10 years ago)Your experience sounded like The Dating Game with dry humping, saliva, and cleavage all mixed in to make the next best selling reality TV show. Sign me up! Note to self; single isn’t so bad, lol.
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:23 am (10 years ago)If Speed Dating were a reality TV show, what might it be called?? Hmmmm….
Marcus
March 3, 2014 at 11:04 pm (10 years ago)I would totally do it….. I don’t think that I would meet anyone that would want a follow up.. .. And I don’t think I could really take it very serious. I would be smiling though….
Carpaca
March 4, 2014 at 5:44 am (10 years ago)Oooh, kinda like most of my “night at the bar” scenarios! Did you give them the alpaca farmer story? I think we could have A LOT of fun with this!
Joanna
March 5, 2014 at 3:11 pm (10 years ago)Oh! I didn’t even think of the alpaca story! 😉
Mike B
March 4, 2014 at 5:19 pm (10 years ago)Careful using that pro wrestler question. You might stumble upon an expert in the subject. A dissertation on the strengths and weaknesses of Sergeant Slaughter and the Iron Sheik could make for a long 5 minutes.
Joanna
March 5, 2014 at 3:10 pm (10 years ago)I actually don’t think I would mind that conversation Mike! See what a winner I am!?
Chuck Baines
March 6, 2014 at 1:05 pm (10 years ago)I would try speed dating, if I were single. It sounds like fun. I could be anybody I wanted for 5 minutes, because the likelihood of me seeing anybody again would be so low. If someone actually buys my brand of humor, and I didn’t scare them off with my weirdness, cool. Your 80’s wrestler question is exactly the kind of thing you should ask. It can be so revealing. Stay away from “Ravishing” Rick Rude types!
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:25 am (10 years ago)I’d definitely drag you to one of these events too Chuck. I’d say you and Jen should do it just for fun but that wouldn’t be fair to the people there seriously looking for a life partner… to have you and Jen dangled in front of their face like a carrot they can never have. Yes, I just compared you both to a vegetable. (I was thinking to avoid Ravishing Rick Rude types as well as The Ultimate Warrior and The Undertaker)
Thee Andre
March 7, 2014 at 3:40 pm (10 years ago)I couldnt imagine speed dating considering I get the sense that speed dating may be more quantity than quality like a cheap chinese buffet. As hard as it may be to find good people nowadays I understand but it seems the true feeler (no pun intended) & chase is eliminated, would you agree?
Joanna
March 9, 2014 at 1:30 am (10 years ago)Well, if definitely isn’t natural. You have 5 minutes to make an impression and you might be talking to someone that is just politely smiling and not at all interested. It isn’t like being out where if someone isn’t interested you know right away. You can size that up with eye contact even before words are spoken.
I think the chase is still there, if anything it is heightened… there may be 5 or 6 guys there that are vying for one ladies attention so you have to work hard from the jump. After the initial speed date you still have to do all of the normal stuff that comes with exploring your initial interest in one another. So the chase would still be there in that aspect.
Winona
March 26, 2014 at 5:44 pm (10 years ago)I’m late to the party, but I wanted to comment anyway… I actually want to do speed dating! But I’m happily married with two kids… But just like you, I just enjoy talking to people (randomly) and I think it would be fun to ask interesting and off beat questions! I suppose I could lie just to get in, but for some reason I don’t think my husband would find it amusing. :-/ Anyway, I guess I am that person mentioned in the comments, doing this for fun, and throwing off the entire dating pool because I wouldn’t be eligible. But I want the experience to say that I’ve done this unnatural, forced socialization experiment!
PS. Favorite WWE Wrestler: It’s between Koko B. Ware and Rowdy Roddy Piper…